Melancholy Outlook On My Existance

Checking

2005-05-07T04:57:00.000-07:00

life's has been on a up recently,sovled soem of the problems which has been frustrating me for a few months and accomplished some of my wishes.been more active socially recently.ok,i manage to get the stuff i wished for,the 60 gb ipod photo was the one which i had been waiting for and finally got it...only managed to fill up 10 gb with all my current songs though.been to 2 concert,underoath and New found glory..managed to get a t shirt signed by underoath and talk to vocalist for a minute,during the new found glory concert i bought a cd autographed by all the members of the band,got a guitar pick thrown by the bassist and i ripped one of the concerts posters..haha...pretty cool...bit still school is pretty sucky for me,being freaking lazy as usual...still have many projects to be done...

LA

2005-03-31T04:06:00.000-08:00

visited LA for my spring break hols..went to Universal Studio,Beverley Hills and Disneyland...pretty cool trip...finally went to Disneyland after a decade of wanting to go there...so its cool..my house have been pretty crowded and a bit lively these few days,held some small drinking gatherings...

FUck tHiS sHIT, FAIrNeSs?

2005-03-09T00:14:00.000-08:00

still feeling angrier then ever...so FucK this mutha fucking piece of shit....recent events doesn't really help things...and choice of reading material too...i am thinking is there ever such a thing call "fairness" ?wad the hell is that?when we are born,its the start of unfairness...some are born into richer family while some poorer while some totally poor,some are gifted wif better intellectual abilities and some lack of it...some are beautiful some r ugly...the list goes on..the thing is that we don't have a choice of how we are born but the gud news is that we can control some part of our lives...now do we ask to be born into this world?so if we didn't ask for it and don't want to be why are we brought into this world...and now what the fuck are we doing?life is pretty repeatious...go school or work then hang put wif fren den eat,sleep...so what is all this shit for ??you do everything to achieve success then after reaching it,u aim for another...and when all those shit is done u grow old and u grow sick and then die...this is pure nonsense...and what do u get afer u die?is ther an afterlife?heaven or hell or limbo?or do we juz fade away ?now ppl say to be honest and do things the "right moral way" but can u achieve success thru real pure honesty?i think not...so the idea is to sin and cheat ur way up to success then say i am sorry and i wanna repent then thats when i go be a christian then my sins will be erased right?if thats how it works then i am set on road to success...if all christians go to heaven,i prefer to stay out of there coz u'll meet bastards of all sorts who had done atrocious stuffs....corporate conglemerates,politicians,priests who are perverts,murderers,rapist and many crimminals who change religion..are they all going to heaven?all this are juz my chain of thoughts,nothing to be taken seriously...just find that idea of all christian going to heaven ridiculous...then it will be the same as earth...what a no brainer...

Chinese New Year 2005

2005-02-08T21:23:00.000-08:00

its juz another day..chinese new year eve is juz another fucked up day for me where i muz go to school...so fucked up....so juz wanna say having a fucking happy chinese new year...i'm pissed coz this is will be the suckiest chinese new year ever for me.....no ang pao and no chinese new year goodies...no family with me...totally one hell of a mutha fucking day for me and to think that my family are celebrating it so nicely in indonesia doesn't comfort me at all...damn fucked...damn the american mutha fucking scheldue...why no holiday for chinese new year when u shitheads celebrate all sorts of lame occasions like halloween?totally retarded...guess chinese new year wouldn't bring in much revenue for u mutha fuckers son of bitches...grr...to think that i wouldn't be collecting any resources during this period sickens me further...screw it...year of cock...really is cocked up...

reflection

2005-02-07T22:27:00.000-08:00

i have been thinking about this...my frens or maybe should i say acquitance ,since i don't really know them that well to be on the comfort zone, labels me as an anti social.there may be some truth in it since i miss out on the indodvc welcoming party and rarely go out wif them and hang out wif them.true...i don noe why but now i felt very awkward with so many ppl around,i always have a urge to run away and shut myself at home.turn off my cellphone sign off msn...in short imprison myself...could it be that i haf a mental disease...but on some days i feel super hyper and happy for no reasonor so...wierdo huh...i am more comfortable sitting in front of a computer screen and chat rather than meet the person physically and i don't wanna spend any money,juz wanna spend as little as possibel on living expenses but i don't even know what the hell i wanna the money for...juz wanna eat seep play computer and go school to get a shitty cert ...i haf no purpose...i am depressed but i am sick of hearing ppl asking wads the problem and cheer up blahblah...drinking does help to cheer me up though...oh great the dirt just keeps piling up...i am so screwed up...haha...

Msn messenger fuck up

2005-02-03T22:15:00.000-08:00

damn...i can't log on to msn messenger..damn it and its now my fucking pc's fault i think its the stupid modem or router fault...fuck man...damn sian...cannot chat...damn kanina...fuck...thats all juz wanna complain abt msn messenger...fuck klar...and wanna type fuck =)

what an excellent complex i am living in...

2005-01-30T07:14:00.000-08:00

i'm juz looking back at an incident a few days back when my fren's house was broke into,they lost a laptop,i pod,basketball shoes and some quarters...hahha...quarters also wanna take...well this apartment building is getting more break ins and indonesians are losing lap tops like crazy...and the strange thing is that they lock both the locks on the door which they claim will be safe however as my don give a fuck attitude i juz lock one lock on the door and my house is safe...hhahah...anyway the burglers don't seem to like desktops so my computer is pretty safe..hahah...hmm...i am a philosophy student but i don't even know some of the basic stuff the old hag of the lecturer was mumbling about plus her absolutely unreadable handwriting even taking notes proved to be a challenge...whenever i open the stupid textbook,i lost my feeling to study..damn it...on the bright side i'm pretty pleased wif my luck in getting a pretty good english lecturer who teaches like high school style..hahha...but the time of the classes sucks...8 am!! that is totally fucked up times...man mornings r for sleeping,afternoon r for classes,nite is for havin fun,after midnight is study and playtime...anyway i am turning moren more into nocturnal creature,now i really hate the sunlight...too glaring...fuck lar...don noe wads up but man i feel kind of pretty fucked up...losing interest in stuff pretty quickly...so getting bored easily...can wait till i'm 18...21 years old would be perfect...haiz...now i'm pretty hooked on techno or trance by groove coverage,i used to hate these type of music but now everything around me and in me is changing...fuck puberty..juz fuck man...

start of school

2005-01-19T20:39:00.000-08:00

this is the second day of school..well i am still in a holiday mood..can't even be bothered to even bring a pen to class...just walked to school in a sweater,jeans and flip flop to school...thats all i brought..hehe..well i think it may be time to change my major...don't seem to be confident that i will be able to have seccess in animation or art coz up till now i still haven't got any stinking piece of art pieces...how the hell am i gonna pass up the portfolio for the facaulty...now am confused whether i will switch major to the indonesian infested business courses...what the hell,i may have to give up some of my summer hols to catch up on the math required...damn..this really sucks and i could face the prospect of staying at dvc longer then i had intended to...i really hate this...if only i don have to take calculus...haiz...fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.....grrr....

yes..finally able to get my fm running..

2005-01-14T05:09:00.000-08:00

yes man..finally able to get my fm running wif the scouting program and the editor...yes....=)damn happy...now finally man u n tottenham can relegated....yes...hehe..well nothing happened in my life this few days, just amused myself by playing fifa 2005,not bad,i actually managed 3 seasons of the fifa career...anyway i'm gonna start school soon so will not have much time to kill playing football manager...maybe then i can get abck my social life..been locking myself up at home..its too cold to go out anyway...anyway this way can prevent me from spending unneccesary money..yup thats all...now go screw urself...

not end of the world yet..

2005-01-02T02:45:00.000-08:00

this is the year 2005 and the world has not ended...come to think of it i had always expected that this freaking world is not gonna end soon..i remembered a few years ago,in the year 2000 there was a big fuss about the world is ending and all the religious thrash say :oh the world is gonna end!all i can tell them is come kiss my ass and go fuck yourself..and whenever there is a disaster like the 911,SARS and some wierd diseases and war in the middle east...those ppl will come and predict the end of the world,i strongly felt and still feels those people should shut their fat mouth forever and be ashamed..and here we are 5 years into a new millenium and we still haven't been wiped out yet..so to all those who predict the world is gonna end anytime,please go fuck yourself..now recently there was the rare occurence of a big tsunami in asia, when i heard of it, i was waiting for some idiotic jackass to come forward and predict another end of the world..i juz hate these mother fuckers who alway predict dooms day based on no facts,their actions just spread fear among the people...anyway i just felt this urge to talk about this thing as we are in the new year and there was a big natural disaster which had just occured..well i certainly wish and hope that this will be a smooth year but i am pretty sure every year something drastic will happen...so just pray that it doesn't happen to you...there is no place for being noble on this earth..everyone is for themselves...and now that its january 2nd..i still have 2 more weeks of holiday before i have to drag myself to classes again...well at least this place will be full of people again...well anyway winter will soon be over and that will be damn great...winter really sucks..cold and wet...it'll be spring soon...yeah..hope its warmer...hope this will be a good year for me...

its a new year

2005-01-01T20:29:00.000-08:00

its the new year and we reach san fransisco in the evening and we went for a thai dinner which i think is worse than my cooking...coz it totally sucks..waste of my money...then wew ent to play pool till around 11pm and then we drove to union square...it was freaking raining and my sweater don't have a hood so i was drenched and so we reach union square at around 11:3opm and there was a mob there...and we were waiting for the fireworks to go off at 12:00 but then there was none...damn disappointed...nothing there to see except for ppl kissing and hugging...boring..then we decide to go back to pleasant hill and play poker and drink alcohol..so our convoy of three cars head back home but the car i was in go lost and even went back to san francisco and plaid the 3 dollar toll fee..and after exiting the highway...we got pulled over by cops coz we hog 2 lanes...how great ?but they let us off..so when we got back and my friend try to get alcohol but were told that we can't coz its past the alcohol sales time..so we remain dry and play poker but i already had no mood to play...hope 2005 would be better...well 2004 was pretty more relaxed than any other years..but its a hard time to trying to settle down in a new country...

christmas

2004-12-25T15:32:00.000-08:00

ok its christmas and ok merry christmas...no plans at all for christmas,spend christmas eve at home playing grand theft auto:san andreas...nobody to cleebrate chirstmas wif as usual so i'm not complaining...once again i am gonna moan about the low temperature...but i think thats it for me...christmas is juz another day as all the big occassion except that stores close early which sucks..

Injured Player

2004-12-23T01:55:00.000-08:00

played futsal again tonite although i have leg injuries supposed to be hamstring and my thighs and maybe the groin...damn..guess the fact that i didn't warmed up contributed to my injuries...could hardly run at all...but the gud thing about today is that its not foggy and its a bit warmer as compared to laz nite but its still freezing...bought a nice comfy office chair today and juz finished setting it up...the screws r damn irrating they juz wouldn't fit in properly so haf to redo it again n again..and also the maintenance dude finally came and clean my carpet so now my floors are clean...hmm now there is a problewm wif the shower tap handle...the water juz wouldn't stay at the temperature i set it to...the water juz kept turning hotter n hotter till it can become unbearable...geez that sucks...

Freezing out

2004-12-21T18:17:00.000-08:00

School is over and it is freezing and we drove to Monterey and stay 1 nite there and 8 ppl in 2 rooms...and that motel costs around US$60 per room...the beach is real nice and we went to the monterey aquarium..the entrance fee to the aquarium is outrageous, US$16 per head for student price?and it is worse than sea world..damn...hmm but its more of a research aquarium but i like some of the stuff in there...some of the sea creatures and fishes are real nice...after i came back from monterey which is like 7 pm and we went straight to play futsal till 12 am...and the temperature is at most 4 degrees celcius and its freaking foggy...visibility is almost zero..u cannot see wads going on at the other end of a basketball court...freaking crazy...and i was wearing short pants,my legs totally freeze n go numb so r my fingers and face...but its damn fun...playing futsal on a winter nite...chill..now this place is real empty almost everyone went back to indonesia..now i am indoors but my fingers r numb coz the built in heater in my room is no good...damn it..brrr...can't imagine walking outside and damn i need to shop for groceries man in the middle of this extremely cold conditions...this really sucks..now i start to wonder whats better having real hot and humid sweaty days in asia or extremly cold and numb days in america?hmm...me never ever satisfied...just check my results...damn pissed off with my history of US grade...got a b for it..damn...it sucks...was damn well expecting a mutha fucking A for that shit...well maybe i screwed up on the finals...still gaming on the battle for middle earth now...gives me more reason to stay indoors especially wif the temperature out there...

finally the hols

2004-12-17T02:41:00.000-08:00

well finally finish my first semester at us and it really has not gone smooth but its still pretty good...in fact i feel much better now, its juz gud to noe that the hols r here n that i can play battle for middle earth..yeah...how much better can it get? go out have fun den come home and play games...thats nice..no need to think of anything..when i say nothing it means nothing at all...now my dreams r all about computer games.....haha..although i realize that all this is juz a temporary escape from the harsh realities of life but why give a fuck?everything is temporary anyway...u can't haf something forever...geez the tempoerature here is getting lower and lower..now i feel 16 c is hot...normally its below 9 c...and it can be real freezing...

Blade sucks

2004-12-12T10:51:00.000-08:00

laz nite went to watch two movies..ocean twelve and blade trinity...ocean twelve is sweet and way cool but blade was a piece of shit and the vampire king looks like eric cantona..haha..blade sucks and definitely didn't live up to all the hype all my homies r making...ocean makes u think...and after that we came back to play poker and i have a very bad nite, all my card sucks to mutha fucking core and i was juz trying to minimize losses in the whole game..but my folds prove rite moz of the time...i had more luck in the previous game...damn...but poker is fun even though i don have the talent for playing card games...and i think i can't lie well...wish me luck for the next game...and i also am moving again into a new apartment...hmm...always forced to move...tired of moving..

Quiz Tml

2004-12-06T22:16:00.000-08:00

once again living a very unhealthy lifestyle...Today sleep at 2 pm and woke up at 10:40pm...becoming a pig...sleep whole day...i guess i really hate the sun and its glaring brightnesss...have a history quiz tml but still haven even touch the book to study...think it suppose to be on vietnam war..thats lucky for me,at least its not some civil rights movement or something like that...erm before i finaally slept at 2 pm juz now i was still playing football manager and i'm still undefeated...ya i know get a life!but i don't haf a freaking life....thats my life...i can't live without computer games or video games...

haiz

2004-12-06T06:50:00.000-08:00

i hate asking my folks for money,they always nag about me making an accountof my expenses, hate doing that...its too troublesome...damn shag...been becoming lazier and lazier day by day..don noe wad the heck i am doing psending my time playing games...been playing football manager 2005 and its sucking up moz of my time...feel like toking about my game,i am using arsenal now and as usual i cheated by gettin good players in trying to make an "invicible" team,4-4-2 formation,

leo franco[gk]

puyol[dr]lucio,campbell[dc]cole[dl]

Ljungberg[mr]gerrard,viera[mc]pires[ml]

henry,bergkamp[fc]

its my great team...still playing early season so still undefeated yet...say i'm gonna go play that game again...haiz..at least in this game i can feel rich unlike in reality...

Feels So tired

2004-12-04T20:33:00.000-08:00

i juz woke up from a 12 hour worth of slumber...and first thing i read is finallly arsenal wins again beating birmingham city 3-0.been feeling that i have not been myself for the past few days and it seems everything that i do is way below par...last nite i went to play pool and to my horror i found out that i can't play?even the basic thing of holding the stick rite could evade me and i couldn't hit the target..that was a nightmare,guess i have been thinking of getting a new room and registering for spring classes...been having lots of things on my mind and my funds are running out fast..don't think i had ebough to pay for my school fees...damn it..

feeling hyper

2004-11-30T07:19:00.000-08:00

yo...juz feeling hyper not tired at all...damn energetic...had been awake the whole nite watchin the love hina series i dl...hehe....and i am going to class later after this...this feels damn gud juz like when i first arrive in us,can get by wif a few hours of sleep...maybe when i feel something amiss ,i do this...but wad is it with me now? wad do i want now?i guess its things i can never get that i miss,things that even if u had to work hard for but no matter how hard u try u can never get...u noe wad i mean...but i feel like giving up but i can't let go...guess i'll still be waiting till the end of time,i don't know why i'm still waiting?

Gunners down Again

2004-11-29T02:43:00.000-08:00

once again arsenal lost..haven been winning any games after they lost to man u and now chelsea looks the favourites to win the title and this pissed me off coz i hate Mourinho !did nothing much today,juz had 'meals' while watching dvds...so boring...to think now i watch king arthur thrice ready! and i still haven been able to install my half life 2..KNN! and now i am tempted to pick up regular smoking again, i mean when ur living room smells of smoke and ur house mates r smoking?if i say i am not tempted then i am damn fucking lying...

Wait a Minuite

2004-11-28T08:35:00.000-08:00

wait a minute...do i really need a car?but i hate driving...juz pissed off when they juz go off without asking u out but wad to do?i got no car...knn...and another thing did i say i drink and a factor of it is to forget someone...why the fuck should i do dat for?yeah i told myslef b4 that i could forget but it seems dat i can't...yeah it freaking hurts...wait...u don't like me or care for me but does that mean i cannot carry on loving u?hell no..i can coz it hurts no one except me...so wad?i chose this route and theres nothing i can do when my heart and brain agrees...and how can i love another when there is no space for another one..hell no...now i am only living in the memories and dreams,but i feel happy this way coz there is nothing better than this and i am not depressed so this is fine...well dreams are much better than the cold reality anytime so i'm cool with it..its juz how my life works for the moment...waiting and praying for a miracle to happen which is not going to freaking happen soon...

the thanksgiving sale

2004-11-26T20:55:00.000-08:00

at 4:30 we were in line to get into fry's electronics,when it is opened,everyone rushed in and i rushed to get a sharp 25" tv for only 70 bucks and also a dvd player and i also got half life 2 for 37 bucks...damn i juz love the thanksgiving sale...haha...its the time of the year to buy things at a good price...

dead drunk on thanksgiving

2004-11-25T19:23:00.000-08:00

i got drunk for the first time of my life and i felt that it was so unreal and i felt that i was juz dreaming and i don't have control over my body, but somehow i was able to feel wad i was doing but i have no control over it...i think i was making a lot of noises and saying stupid things..its juz totally not me...and my head hurts right now...haha...and i spent the nite sleeping on the floor at i can't remember whose house and when i woke up i stumbled back to my place and spend the whole thanksgiving sleeping with a bad headache and i still feeling dizzy now...i still don't have full control over myself....still babbling to myself like a lunatic...haha....there is juz so much things i wanna forget in my whole pathetic life...wanna forget that i am fat and ugly,that i am a fucking loser and underachiever and that i am not good at anything and wanna forget that i am poor and that nobody cares about me[my folks have my kid bro to make themselves too busy]and escape from the fact that my future looks bleak and i am gonna remain single for the rest of my life coz i can't hook up a ger...haha...but right now i'm living my life as though everyday of my life is one whole long vacation.but soemhow i feels empty and i realize that the thing missing is a ger who only treat me as a fren...hahah...thats juz my life...